Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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