Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
