I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
