I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
