just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
