I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
