I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
