Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
