tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize