ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
