Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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