for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
