maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
