New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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