He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
