and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
