I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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