I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
