There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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