my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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