I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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