I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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