How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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