dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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