genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I could make wine with my vomit
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
