Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
