So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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