My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
