No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
