I looked at my own cervix.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
