1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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