I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
