He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
