im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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