i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
