There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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