you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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