Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize