Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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