Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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