I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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