I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
