you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
