she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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