I skipped work to stalk him.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
