He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
