i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
