I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
