somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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