WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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