I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
