it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
