I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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