did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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