did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
