this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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