a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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