Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
