We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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