Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
