this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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