Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
