are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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