Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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